i kinda do this "flirt with girls and pretend to be a hot white guy named chris" thing
and then she said I drew a line on her forehead with my cum and whispered "Simba"
alright so where did all these fingerpaintings on my bedroom wall come from?
dude. you drew those with your dick
I woke up on a futon with 2 stolen budwiesers in my purse, 5 extra bucks, a sucker stuck to my shoe, one sock, and a stolen copy of the zombie survival guide
please tell me this is not legit
The meeting is at the same hotel we go to for sex. Avoiding eye contact with all the staff there.
I shouldn't have to thank you for taking off your captain hat off before we had sex
He ended up walking out of his bedroom and told me to look at the nonexistent fire he was holding in his hand. Im upset I didn't take those shrooms.
You almost hooked up with 200lb woman in her mid-forties, because you were convinced she was adele. Your drinking problem is officially out of control.
I really want to shower but i'm afraid i'll sober up. My mouth feels like a stripper pole too...
There's green glitter on my nipple rings. #mardigras2013
I got frustrated so I just stood up and said take me to bed or lose me forever and banged the first guy who responded show me the way home. Thank you Top Gun.
He threw me over his shoulder and carried me outside, all the while drinking from the bottle of rum he was holding, while my ex watched. I'm winning the break-up.
Taking dicks and breaking hearts, no better life
It's cool bro. The video I have of you drunk trying to fix it with the sonic screwdriver was worth it.
Okay, since we're going to be living together and I'm obviously better than you at everything, I have one single simple rule that I want you to follow: DO. NOT. FUCK WITH ME.
Randomize
