I'm totally counting that party when he kept putting his hands down my pants as a date.
a creepy fucking ass man came up and started raven cawwing in my ear... he said it was the raven mating call. i am officially freaked out
I'm wearing an NBA shooting sleeve while jerking off...and yes my arm has stayed warm
and i had to drink on "never have i ever unsuccessfully tried to seduce a virgin ginger"
I just need you there to slap my dick when im flirting with her
She threw her promise ring on the ground, that's when the freak came out.
Did you write "I hope this gives you aids" on my box of capn crunch?
Sorry for trying to give you my dresser last night. Are any of the drawers still in your car?
buying new sheets for when my mom visits. I can't in good conscious let her use the ones from last night
he does have a point though, watching you drink makes me never want to drink again
ugh... thank God for ATM withdrawal limits. I was drunk enough to give that weird shaped stripper all of my money while making her cry in the back room.
The second time he came it projectile shot in my ear
We were in a spooning position and it shot all the way up. He was like sorry. Physics.
I have enough bourbon in me to put Justin's cat in the dishwasher.
I'm drunk. And I'm alone. Eating chicken fingers in my underwear. I'd say life is grand.
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
Randomize
