how can i change my meal plan to a keystone plan?
Fact: The drinking you do in college doesn't affect your liver in real life.
It was all about her orgasm last night. I felt like a human dildo.
I either just got cockblocked or saved from a lengthy court case so I'm kinda conflicted about how my night went.
Your like the Mozart of blow jobs, you make every other girl seem like cheesy elevator music.
There was a pirates of the caribbean marathon on. No matter how much you like rum, it is NOT possible to outdrink the pirates. They always win.
I need Jameson.
Yea? How do you think I feel? Your job during the delivery is to keep that flask ready. The moment our kid pops out, I'm taking a shot.
A man just squeezed past me in a tight space and said, "Excuse us."
I ACCIDENTALLY HOOKED UP WITH A GUY WHO HAS A NICHOLAS CAGE POSTER ABOVE HIS BED I CANT HANDLE LIFE.
The universe is either telling you 1. you make terrible decisions or 2. its time to let go of your hatred of Cage.
Welcome to my Tuesday when my lesbian ex girlfriend shows up unexpectedly and gets me drunk and then leaves
He's nice to look at and knows the difference between your and you're. I win.
Adulthood is punching a guy in the face when you find out he's trying to fuck you and he's married instead of fucking him regardless and believing anything he says
He's not put together enough to have that big of a dick
I lysoled the money\n(631): wrong text lmao
I literally blew him under my face mask. Not because I thought it'd protect me from COVID, but because I wanted to prove to myself that I could.
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