Don't come here someone got drunk and rolled the keg to buger king. no more beeer
I'm not 100% on this, but I'm pretty sure I just accidently talked my way into a threesome.
I blacked out the second time 3am rolled around. My brain was taking a beating trying to do that math.
If I EVER wake up with two black eyes again you better come up with a better story than trying to see how many punches I could take.
Please take a moment of silence for the fact that I still have all 10 fingers
Can we skip lunch and do power hour sex time from now on? I'll let you eat nachos off my body if you really need the food.
Well you know it's going to be an interesting night when the bathroom attendant is doing hail marrys
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
Yelling back at the people on Jerry springer through the TV, and eventually punching it. Failure of a night.
Favorite thing said to me in 2012: It's like you have two tongues!
Were you keeping a list?
He got weirdly turned on by the video of my cat licking nacho cheese off my finger.
Turns out I hooked up with a chick who has lupus. I don't know if that's a bucket list thing or not, but it's now on mine. Check.
She asked the bartender for "7 shots of something fruity" and long story short the bartender punched me in the face. Chivalry is stupid.
And if you haven't kicked a pigeon you haven't started your morning right
Look get the dick out ur mouth and answer the phone
Randomize
