Last night I fell down in the street (I think in someone's vomit), cut my knee up, lost my moms necklace and my license, and had to walk back to the hotel.
I bought a goldfish, named it after my ex-girlfriend, and let it die. It's really the little things in life.
then they high fived as they party boyed me. I was a policewoman sandwhich. I love you halloween.
Dude, I just spun my iPhone on my boner without it falling off. I belong in cirque du soleil.
He googled "how long will i be drunk" and just started crying
Having a race with the dryer. Seeing who can get drunk/dry clothes faster.
She kept pulling joints out of her bra and asking strangers for birthday hugs.
He told me he wants to eat me out all day while I lay in bed watching football. Seems like a solid foundation for a relationship to me.
Yeah everyone's alive and well besides the still terrifying threat of Ted's conception of a human being
You gotta hand it to him. 6 hours in a new town and he's already fuck someone, had his ass kick by her bf, and rounded up a posse of people to kick this guys ass.
I'm an approx 70% certain someone switched my UV Blue for Windex - just as volatile as you might think.
I just had to kick out lesbian wedding crashers. They literally wanted to punch me. I threatened to call the cops so they went outside and smoked a joint.
I sent him a tit pic on accident and he replied with "nice ass"
you didnt realize it, but you puked in the bushes in front of a church and yelled "GOD IS DEAD"
I'm pretty sure the rest of my evening will consist of masturbating, drinking tequila and watching children's movies.
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