question: masturbation: how much is too much? I think i'm about to tip toe a fine line
If my bosses could see, smell or hear me right now they would understand why its a horrible idea to keep the office open sundays
i am one more weekend without sex away from dosing him with viagra and locking ourselves into a closet.
We left live chickens on the basement slip n slide. Good luck finding your car keys
We didn't have a blender for the margaritas, so she tried to use the garbage disposal and wasted half a handle of my grandpa's good tequila.
You're in the clear; you and Andrew did not joint fingerbang that girl on the dance floor last night.
Just made a Xanax and ginger ale smoothie. Oh Thursday you are good to me..
They had their heads out of the car singing the wrong words to the national anthem as we drove through traffic of people leaving the fireworks. AMURICA
I was apparently the best non-Irish person at the party. I wore my skating dress, Austrian flag and a giant shamrock. Everyone is calling me "30 Shots Girl".
He told me he needed "space" but then goes and likes my insta of panacakes.. Done.
The highlight of the night was definitely when you starting telling ppl you could shapeshift and "proved" that by stripping.
Just zoned back in to real life and found myself chanting "noodle eater noodle eater noodle eater" at my parrot as he devoured a single macaroni
I want you to know I am at work super hungover and I threw up in the mop sink. I feel like you will appreciate this
You're my fucking hero
I didn’t eat all day. Got really drunk at a bruins game and puked in a random dunkies cup on the T
If that doesn’t scream I’m from New England, I don’t know what does
You should not be involved with someone who smells like that. Because that smell seriously does not go away. Even if you can't actually smell it at any given point, it will still haunt you
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