So I went to have a snack...can you please tell me why there's a condom in the hummus?
It had been so long since my last time that it was easily a double helping of stomach pancakes. I think she was mildly impressed.
Scott woke me up by cracking a beer open in my face. Best friends are awesome.
dont worry, it'll just be a conversation starter like "why did you get that pierced?" or "wow, i got arrested there too"
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
don't worry about it. We passed around the "get jeff bail" can 10 min. After you left. We currently have around $400. May I say that people here at the dorms really love you.
She's "threw gas on the fire to put it out" drunk. Come retrieve ur gf. Ps she smells like burnt hair
get back quick. that 17 year old who peed on your car wants to do shots.
He lasted about 30 seconds then said you can't win them all. But then he made me pancakes so it's okay. We shall call him mancakes.
He went THROUGH MY PHONE (he's 30 for God sake) then asked me why I was stringing along 12 guys... I told him he could have just asked me if I was banging other people and then saved himself from looking at pics of dicks bigger than his.
Hey..um, you dont know me, but I just found your purse in a bush at the end of my street this morning
I just want you to know that I think it is hilarious and wonderful that 40s are now your alcohol of choice.
What's the protocol for doing tequila shots at a baseball game when you're chaperoning for a church group? You know, hypothetically.
I am eating croutons on my bathroom floor. Are you happy?!
I'm at this party and a blind kid just walked in and asked "where is the fucking pong table"
Randomize
