You decided to make a porno with gummy bears and things went downhill from there.
He just brought me a wine glass. Full of Tequila. Ignore any texts after this one.
the more i look through evidence of last night, the less i seem to remember.
I think she's a little more wasted than usual. She just crawled on the floor to tell mom it was time to take a shot.
Can I steal her, take her home, and feed her only vodka?
i looked down and was like "oh shit thats blood" then it was like "shit, thats not my blood." then it was like whos blood is this??
You came running into my room at 4 in the morning yelling "SANCTUARY!" and flung yourself into bed.
Hmmm, sounds like a Jaeger night then. Did I at least get to be the little spoon?
The girl next to me looks like the young version of sara (bonnie hunt) in jumanji. I wanna be like PLAY THE GAME SARA!!!!"
then he told me my boobs feel like "if you put mushroom soup in a baggie." I don't know how I'm supposed to feel about this.
You danced?!
I just jiggle to the beat like a sexy lava lamp
The notary thing was a good idea. I can charge $2 per signature. I'm currently being paid in beer.
Why is there a wet sock in my garbage? Why did I chug so much red wine? Why was someone signing into my iCloud account at 4 am in China? Why do I do self-destructive reckless things? So many questions.
after last night, ive never not wanted to live so much in my life.
Thanks for not letting me get involved with a serial killer. That's true friendship
Yeah totally passed out in their trash can last night.
Randomize