She accidentally pre-ordered us Dominos for the next day at 11:30am... we were very confused when we woke up.
that's like riding a pigeon when you could fuck a bald eagle
just customized my debit card w a pic of me ralphing over the toilet. figure it'll give the bar keep a good cut off est and for shits n giggles when buying my handles at the liqour store
This girl named her kid Rainforrest. If I die, just know it was from laughing so fucking hard.
Just grabbed my laptop and a beer to take a shit. Mom gave me a look of disgust. I miss college.
i will trade you pizza and a blowjob for a fifth of vodka.
do i get to eat the pizza while you give me the blowjob?
All i know is we had 4 people on a tandum bike, and told the cops we couldnt stop because our momentum was so good.
I am nonfunctional stoned. I had to ask ben to put me somewhere away from all the people I'm sitting on someones bed watching a wall. Not alright. Should not have come.
Nothing will ever prepare you for the moment when you are sitting on your friends bathroom floor with no pants on eating string cheese & pita at 2am.
No! Last time I got hit with a beer bottle
Haha, Tuesday man
And everyone was looking at me because it was cold and I was drunk and may have screamed "oh fuck" ... You know what, fuck that. What do people think they're getting at Denny's 2 in the morning
Last year I got a dildo in the mail on my birthday. Today it was just a credit card bill. Sadface.
I put purple lights under my bed and asked him if he wanted to fuck in a spaceship.
There comes a point where there's just condoms and old mcdonalds in your garbage can and you can't tell if you've won or lost.
I lost my wallet so I paid for my cab ride home with a sausage sandwich I found in my purse. Must have thought it was my wallet.
Randomize
