If facebook stalking was a job I would totally pown it
Blind date just said "Can't wait till I'm married so i can let myself go". There will be no second date.
mom asked me why i'm never sober at family events, i told her i learned it from her.
I was in bed at 845. Affairs take a lot out of people
I think I suffocated him while I was riding his face
Dan marino should def buy this ambulance. But not this one. I'm gonna fuck this ambulance up
And have you ever tried to explain a hickey to your own grandmother?
After she asked if she could try to fit her toe ring around it, i decided to leave. Thats the life i live
See, I'm just thinking of how...angular my room is. You probably would have sustained brain damage
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
UPS just delivered me 30lbs of dried cherries... I shouldn't be allowed online when I take painkillers.
You had a 45min conversation with the Ronald McDonald statue I have the video to prove it
just caught myself putting beer in the oven and pizza in the fridge. i should be a trainwreck by tonight.
You are telling me my dick tastes like a taco supreme?
I'm saying this "taco supreme" tastes like your dick.
spent the night holding naked strippers up for keg stands and doing endless amounts of body shots. good game 8am final exam.
whats an extra semester when you've already been in college for 6 years?
Randomize
