I've been emailing with a woman. I don't think she's into me, but we've become sorta email buddies. I'm hoping to meet her because on her profile she states she's into 'fisting.' Frankly the thought kinda freaks me out but I'm dying to see what kind of woman is 1) into that and 2) admits it upfront.
The amount of 12yr olds downtown right now boggles the mind. I can thank taylor swift for a glimpse at my future 3rd wife.
And then she was like, "don't do anything. No blow jobs, don't let him stick his fingers in weird places because people have germs."
i have 90 minutes to kick this food poisoning or josh's first experience with buttsex will be his last
A horseman, i repeat, a man on a horse downtown just told me i was gorgeous and my friends were not. Not drunk enough.
You know when you meet a penis that looks like it was made out of all your hopes and dreams?
Welp last night I made out with the guy who slices my deli meat at publix. I'm sure there's a joke there but I'm too hungover to find it. Go noles.
Our house rule in beer pong, is that if you get the ball in the bitch cup.... you have to snapchat your balls to everyone on your friends list.
I wish I had a Tina from Bob's Burgers in real life. She would be the best wingman.
She was giving me head, and a cop pulled up next to us. I freaked when he looked over at me, but so did he and rear ended the car in front of him.
I remember being like "I can't hold both of you guy's hair back!" so I put headbands on each of you
bonus check + party bus = big hot mess
I think part of my soul drowned in beer and/or jack daniels last night.
They say you need two forms of ID, but in reality 1 nice set of tits works every time
Pandemic Silver Lining: cheap hotel rates makes it easier to have afternoon fun with my side dick
Randomize
