what the fuck. my fiance told me she called our wedding band last night and told them to perform "best i ever had" for our first dance
Just found out my drug dealer is also a porn star. It's a good day.
yeah but it's new years. they should arrest people for being sober that day.
Her birthday cake consisted of a shot of tequila with a candle in it
Just bought two budlight beers with a can of tuna at the bar
I told the hostess, two bouncers and a manager i was roofied and made them smell my beer. Turns out I just picked up some stupid bitches CHERRY WHEAT beer by mistake. I insisted they replace my lost beer.
I'm a lady, I can't pee on the ceiling. Even I don't have that power.
After the Patriots lost I punched him in the face. But I still feel like that isn't a good reason to dump me.
when was she peeing in the stairwell? why dont i remember this?
....because generally we only remember 40% of the night each, and have to fill eachother in. And that still leaves 20% that we will never know and its probably for the best
Also that boy who jizzed in me wearing Cowboy boots and a plaid shirt snapped me at 4 am and said "I owe you a dinner. Sorry"
Potholders are an underrated garment. Especially naked.
Probably shouldn't be looking at memes at my grandmother's funeral
I just walked in on my dad beating it.. There's not a fucking therapist in ARKANSAS that can help me with that!
I'm drunk and kinda wanna go home but now I have to go have more sex, my boxers are in the dryer
Whats a little breast milk between friends?
Randomize
