you only like me because i go down faster than a bridge in minnesota
Dude, you need to talk to your mom
wtf?
She just called and asked if i would be part of the intervention she's planning for you
Exactly how deep of a burn should you have when you pee before becoming legitimately concerned?
I just saw on the news, this guy tried to smuggle coke in a bouquet of roses... and to think I used to hate valentines day.
Woke up to 'distilleries' on the history channel. Proceded to vomit all over the floor. Back on the wagon today.
dude thats like the second time shes peed on the couch at a party. we cant invite her anymore
at the hospital. he locked himself in the kitchen, said he was making beer batter shrimp. don't know if it's the mercury poisoning, alcohol poisoning or second degree burns they're holding him for, but i've got a pretty guess.
Idk man, she was drunker than me and i was sitting there talking to a raccoon about it's broken leg.
usual friday morning routine. the pants i wore last night are in my passenger seat and im rooting through the pockets trying to make exact change at the dunkin donuts drive thru
We're super invested in me shitting to my full potential
I want to get a list going called "D list celebs I've kissed"
I did all i could do but i woke up smelling like cigars and theres salsa all over my face
I almost got decked by a guy who looked like Mr. Clean. How was your night?
I've got 3 hot dudes surrounding me. It's the Bermudick Triangle.
We hotboxed his bathroom. going to be a good night
Hotbox went wrong - smoke sets off fire alarm. Firefighters coming
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