I just got really nervous and swallowed all of my birth control
he sat in the bathtub shirtless yelling in gibberish for 40 minutes. funniest. stoner. ever.
pretty sure that I broke my nose during sexting. Life is grand.
So i guess my mom went into the kitchen and asked me why i was making mac and cheese at 4 in the morning and apparently i yelled at her to "get the fuck back bitch you don't know my life"
i forgot beer had calories. that would explain alot.
The night took a downhill turn when he started using a butter knife as a spoon to drink his cosmo
well, I yelled "the tribe has spoken!" at a boatload of people and then I walked home alone in the pouring rain at 1:30am. karma really is a bitch, yo.
I have more sex toys than shoes - HOW AM I SINGLE?!?!?
I saw a classic trojan enz laying on his desk. So he's probably not into the kinky shit.
I just used a box o wine to refill a bottle o wine to more effectively drunk clean
You were drunkenly dancing with a statue you affectionately referred to as "The Captain." I wasn't going to deny your happiness.
My puke in the shower morning just turned into a puke in the restroom at work afternoon. I'm the human embodiment of dumpster fire.
I'm a fuck boy trapped in a single mom's body.
We went there specifically for you to break it off with him and I walk in on you two in the bathroom with his dick in your mouth
but he had pizza... so i win
I give up.
she hand cuffed me to the bed naked, jumped off the dresser naked, hit her head on the fan and knocked herself out. when her mom came home i had to call her for help, she could have died man...
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