miscarriage! now THATS a gift from god.
highlight of my day: just saw a crying girl get dropped off at home wearing only socks, booty shorts, and a dirty wifebeeter. I wonder what happened to the costume...
Just fucked my roommate on the first night of our 12 month lease. 2010 will be awkward.
They were lying down in the parking garage pretending to be speed bumps...
You turned to me, winked, whispered "man the harpoons" and walked out with the fat chick
That chick who made out with a door is here. Want her number??
I made out with a dude last night who has an ex wife. Is this what post grad life is about?
Face washed and sleeping pill taken. Here's hoping for a more sex filled tomorrow.
You grabbed your house keys, threw them at the door and asked, "did it open?"
just give up on your dreams and come get shit house drunk with me.
Riding your boyfriend's dick for an hour then waitressing for 8 hours. Would not recommend.
Got wasted in a little tiki hut by the beach yesterday. Woke up with a coconut and half of a mushroom burger in my purse. I also have a picture of our Romanian bartender's fingernails on my phone lol
Why do you always wake up with meat in your purse?
I love you. I would never turn you into a bear.
I showed up drunk and covered in glitter, smelling like stale booze and dirty stripper and my younger brother gave thanks his life wasn’t a shitshow like mine
That’s how my thanksgiving went
It's not just going to appear. A lot of blood, sweat, tears, and leg work went into finding a cock that amazing!
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