there's a taquito in the driveway. If it's not yours I'm going to eat it.
whoever says they hate hangovers just doesnt know how to embrace them. i'm eating a mashed potato sandwich and watching grind.
you started crying about dinosaurs being extinct
that's why i woke up holding that dina girls hand
she's a dina-saur
it is 7:54 and i am surrounded by drunk old people. drunk enough that my grandmother and her friend just compared boobs. as in, shirts off, bras coming down. save me.
and then he put stevie wonder on to fuck to...and hummed along as I blew him
I need someone to meet me at the end of the road and throw captain morgan at my face like they do with water at marathons
Listen, you need to start thinking with your vagina and not with your heart... That emotional shit is for your 30s.
I woke up naked except for someone else's socks. Im so proud
I plan on having so much gay sex in our house while you gone.
So I have to send you an email about my weekend, heretofore referred to as The Perfect Weekend. Wherein I have lots of awesome sex with a guy with THE MOST AMAZING BODY.
I look forward to this email. I will respond with, Condoms and Creepers: The Adventures of Online Dating.
Just found out I made out with the 40 year old Captain of the boat at the barge party. On the bright side he let me drive the boat so at least there's that.
Uh do you have my pants because I have yours
I snuck out three pillows from the hotel i was rolling so hard. They are like little clouds. I regret nothing.
We are gonna have a bake sale and the preceded will go towards the abortion
PS I almost downloaded grindr to see if any guys wanted to buy me chinese food..
Randomize
