Just woke up on a couch in the FIJI house with 2 missed calls from someone I saved in my phone as "Some DU Kid Named TJ Maybe"
you make me proud to be your friend
hes a soccer player too.. you'd think he has better penis eye coordination
Tell nick i'm sorry for throwing a block of cheese at him last night
its friday night, im aone in my apartment and eating 2 year expired canned fruit, naked. i'm not single or anything..
He came to the party late, didn't bring tacos, and then asked what shennanigans we were getting into. I swear I will never fuck another hipster.
Twas the night before the bachelor party, and all thru the house...not a creature was stirring, not even a stripper?...
I'm basically a mama hen. I keep them warm and let them wonder around the house. not to mention, I keep eye on them just in case the falcons around the house try to snatch them away.
I don't even know what to say right now
The only thing you accomplished yesterday was dry humping me on the floor of my work place WHILE I was working.
He left my apartment when I broke up with him just as my booty call was walking in. It was a little awkward...
ok thanks goodnight
Also before you go to bed i just have to get it out there that i really like macklemore as a person
How the fuck does a person bruise an armpit? I swear to god, I get the lamest drunk injuries.
I got a blow torch for Christmas. You are now permitted to be afraid.
The last time I saw her someone was carrying her on a bike and she was yelling that she was E.T.
Ya know what's the worst? Being drunk and wanting to show someone a picture of your goddaughter but not wanting to open the pictures on your phone because the first one is of someone's dick..
I'm trying to imagine how upset he was when he realized that he had been cockblocked by a picture of a sloth and I am drawing indescribable pleasure from it.
Randomize
