It's amazing how much jurassic park has contributed to my life recently
How do you feel about the band name "O'labia Newton John"??
I was in a threesome last night that turned into a violent domestic dispute with damage to a hotel. Wish you were there!
you went around the entire night in your french maid costume dusting off the "cob webs" on everyone's crotch saying "you havent gotten any action in a while"
I was wondering why i got so many friend requests the next day...
don't blame me for your drunken lack of judgement
big words... still drunk. dont care. your fault.
ALSO, bringing a stapler to the bar is a good idea
Call me old-fashioned, but I don't think the words, "Finger my ass" should find their way into casual conversation.
I don't care if he was in that porno. He looked like he knew what he was doing.
Got head last night. Had the 3D glasses on the whole time.
Saw a girl lying on her back next to a fire hydrant. Not sure if passed out drunk or sleeping under the stars
wait nvm its a dude
FOUND MY PANTIES COMINY JOME
I'm tired, but I'm gonna go with "I watched the debate last night and part of my soul died"
I like being woken up by phone calls of you sabotaging marriages
You were having sex very loudly, so I felt it necessary to blast the Thong Song, bust out the trusty old airhorn and walk in on you. MY BAD.
You rolled over grabbed my crotch and said "that's my waffle." I'm sleeping on the couch next time.
Randomize
