Aren't I supposed to sit on your face?
If a cop asks you "Where do you go for fun?", it's not a pick up line...especially if he just pulled you over.
yeah, and then after the convo was clearly over, my dad decides to scream "SIZE MATTERS" just to make things even more uncomfortable.
I just can't bring boyfriends home.
I googled what to do, and it said to squeeze the pressure out so people are taking turns sitting on my head. I can't believe I'm allowing this
just shottied a beer can with a pumpkin carver. i love October.
I woke up to him pissing in their fireplace with fairy wings on.
I just realized that I have to choose between a future orthopedic surgeon and a dude currently in jail. My life is so fucked.
Living in the dorms has served one purpose and one purpose only for me: to teach me that pooping in public bathrooms is okay and that I can do it
Just saw a guy with two baby turtles sneaking into the building
You have ruined sex with him for me. Now all I think is "boy scout" and I want to go home
You can't break up with me. I brought you to see Beyoncé.
I wrote a pretty good eulogy, too. Motherfucker pastor had no sense of comedic timing.
it's your last night here, let's make it one we may or may not remember.
I think I achieved my goal of being high for 24 hours in the same week I promised myself I wouldn't smoke anymore
I want you inside me. Finish your papers.
Randomize
