By the way the fattest man alive got married yesterday and I don't even have a boyfriend.
Some dude at the gas station right now is buying a 30 rack of beast and a can of cat food. Happy Thanksgiving.
the cop cuffed us all with 40's still taped to our hands
Hungover snowboarding. Puked off the lift and traumatized a group lesson for kids. Crash course on adulthood.
Apparently suggesting that she was the kind of girl who might be expected to kill someone's pets hurt her feelings...
I broke stuart's oven and showed up to the party with a squirrel.
It was all cool until he grabbed my vag and started screaming: THIS IS MINE.
Nothing says I've got my life together like vomiting on the groom and passing out at your youngests sisters wedding
I'm going on a new diet. It's called the "eat healthy otherwise boys won't want to have sex with your fat ass" diet. Wish me luck.
So, if you eat too many protein bars, you will shit your pants. This I learnt today..... at work.
My booty call is in the theater watching Deadpool right now. Never though comics would work against me.
if i hadn't ended our catfight by hugging you one of us might be dead right now
And on a positive note i found a list that i made in 3rd grade titled "what to do if you want a guy to like you"
He gave us beer and shots and made us pizza in his brick oven before firing a handgun into the air to signal it was time to give us a ride in his inflatable raft to the bars.
He's like a mythological figure
If there's someone that knows accidental pantlessness, it's Mike.
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