just took a cab, driver just asked what i'd been drinking- i said vodka, he said "can't do vodka-drunk, it makes me feel like i'm giving birth to myself" ...no comment
If Jon and Kate can get divorced...how hard can it be for me?
I didnt pay $190 for a fake with a new middle name of Vane..
your boyfriend is drunk and yelling to the bar that he loves his cats
Just ran four miles to popeye's. And back. Dedication.
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
wine lets you be on time to class apparently
This is a dangerous realization
Just had a heart to heart with my John Belushi poster.
We need to figure out what we are doing for halloween asap. I'm not going out like a punk ass bitch burger king again this year.
THEY AREN'T MARRIED. PUT ON YOUR HOMEWRECKING PANTIES AND GET TO WORK. NO EXCUSES.
Is he gonna be my crazy ex? Cause we weren't even together for as long as my weeklong bicurious lesbian relationship.
GOOGLE HAS JUST RELEASED AN UPDATE THAT ALLOWS YOU TO CATCH POKEMON USING MAPS. Pack your shit, our time has COME.
She bruised my penis again. But, trooper I am we kept on going.
I remember reading the word "lift" so I did. The alarn went off, and I thought to myself "what dumbass pulls the fucking fire alarm?" and then I realized it was me...
Nobody on Tinder wants to give you a Blumpkin.
Randomize
