Making the executive decision for drunk you to not sleep in the lofted bed that has no ladder
They woke me up at 6am and made me drink a bottle pf champagne yelling "champagne breakfast!"
Going to get a "plan B"urrito
Do I need to take a photo of my sister's enlarged and disgustingly dark nipples to scare you into protection? DO I?
WHEN DID YOU SAY YOU COME BACK BC I GOT INVITED TO A KEG WAR PARTY
I only think it appropriate to apologize for making out with your next boyfriend. It won't happen again.
So she just had an emotional breakdown over a birthday card with a peacock on it. Yeah. She's pretty drunk, but we made it home safely.
I left the bar I'm on a bench across from the bowling alley taking a nap please come get me. I've had three lollipops.
Please come over here so I can show off my beard, talk to you about how quantum computing is actually a symptom of interstellar physics, and then put my head under your dress
I said "sucks to suck" to a cop last night. We've been snapchatting.
Well I didn't know she was a dominatrix...so I kind of just went with it
Current status: so high that I'm unable to have coherent conversation with my mom, but still knew that when my dad said "shpritzy white stuff" I understood that he was trying to think of "whipped cream."
That text took me 10 minutes.
She's one of those people who could be either 16 or 23. In which case she's too old for me or in dangerously jailbait territory for you, bro.
I just took a picture of Austin's dick wearing a hat. Except its not a hat it's a DayQuil cap.
She lured me back to her place with pizza and tits. I was totally helpless
Randomize