everything was going good until you started showing off the pictures of poop you took with your phone
I can make a handprint turkey for extra credit in history. I feel like the word college should be in quotes on the school letterhead.
The hospital said it would be 'irresponsible' for them to allow people to book stomach pumps.
nothing says new school year like ambulances and police road blocks.
did i walk over a car last night?
I gurantee you I'll be the only one dressed as a giraffe.
They're putting plan B in vending machines now. My life just got so much easier.
Just so were clear I meant the head your face is on
I know you're gay. But if I'm not getting dick, then you have to. That's what friends do.
I'm wearing a utility belt filled with alcohol
I just woke up in my locked bathroom. It's 5 PM. What happened?
I'll have to text you later. Trying to have civilized conversations with the boyfriends parents when I'm 100% aware I just blew their son in the bathroom 5 mins ago. Stay tuned.
Driving from bar to bar trying to recover all of the possessions I've drunkenly lost over the course of the past few nights. Actual nadir of my life and absolute height of shamblyness.
Props for using the word nadir
Went to a club yesterday was dirty dancing with this guy, reached back to move my hair and punched him in the face.
ANTI-GAME
I am so proud to call you my friend
She demanded to see my stimulus package, I had to go over.
Randomize
