He told me he finished so fast because he's a sprinter. I hate athletes who are really just pussies.
I see you felt the need to carve your name in my kitchen table. thanks
I gained confidence after I found out she was a lesbian. At least that way I could flirt with her and convince her to buy me taco bell after the bar
Who would have guessed that her hair would be so flammable
I feel like everything in this room is sweating
Oh we will ALWAYS be together. Or I'll have to delete my Facebook altogether. I've drunkenly boobie trapped photos of us into every album. There's no way I'd ever have the patience to go through that deletion process.
This is how baked we were last night. Our drinking game: We stare at each other; first one to laugh drinks.
GUESS WHO GOT ABSOLUTELY WASTED LAST NIGHT AND SPENT AN HOUR RAMBLING ABOUT KRAFT DINNER, HOCKEY, AND THE LAST TEMPTATION OF CHRIST
Got a text that the fed tax return dropped into my account just before getting on the first leg of my flights the Vegas. Fate? Viva Las Vegas!
It's the happiest looking penis I've ever seen. It should have a top hat and a spectacle on and soft shoe across the room with a cane. He's a cheery little feller.
Driving home this morning in my minion costume makes me rethink the 0 tint on my windows.
Dude get here. I just re-invented nachos. For real though. They werent real before right now
I just want to drink cheap wine and throw my bra at an aging singer songwriter
Did I seriously answer the door for a home delivery of weed from you and your boss while wearing last night's 80s rockstar face paint?
Maybe it’s too soon to casually tell the boss that I went to Tulsa for some dick last night
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