i miss you so much
i miss you too
oops, did i send that to you? i meant to send it to the money you owe me
Girl last night got so wet when I was going on down her it flooded up my nose. I nearly drown
I'm at my inlaws playing Scrabble. Go Fuck Yourself.
My doctor literally wrote on the script NO SEX
Our local strip club now has karaoke. Do you realize what this could mean for my sex life?
Woke up this morning on my couch at 6am fully dressed including heels, holding half a corn dog. I called you last night when I was buying the corn dog from a street vendor, I think.
I am in love with you.
The coffee from our coffee maker just hasn't tasted normal since we made Mac n cheese in it that one time....
im downtown. alone. lost. drunk. dressed as santa. dont find me. i just heard someone say mechanical bull.
If he really loved his girlfriend then he'd wear a condom when he fucks me.
He wore my sunglasses on his honeymoon..... so there's that.
Ill give you a 4 hour blow job if you make my nephew go to bed.
I don't get hangovers. Except once. And there is a massively epic story behind that, involving so much alcohol I should have died, and 13 raw hotdogs.
I'm really sorry that I blew your friend in your bed, but to be fair he started it.
One of the annoying girls in my 7 AM class showed up drunk for her 21st birthday and just auctioned off her fake ID.
I wish to strangle
whoa there darth vader
Also day 6: dick is healed and ready to go back to work.
Randomize
