i don't know how boys match. i think shoes & belt are the only thing. it doesn't matter. i just know if they look stupid.
I just projectile vomited in a Methodist church parking lot. If Jesus didn't love me before he sure as hell doesn't now.
The men handing out bibles on the quad are blatantly skipping me... am i that obvious
I'm gonna die fat and alone and all they will find is pizza crusts
Either way I should probably pregame on the plane
Apparently telling a group of crying girls that it looks like they need a visit from Dr. Phil isn't the best pickup line.
we just finished making mockaritas... then we prayed
god you guys know how to party
worst. bachelorette party. ever.
i said good morning to each one of his abs personally
I guess I tried to show you how big my closet was and we ended up eating pickles in my bathroom
I feel like somebody ate me, then shit me into my bed.
Yeah man it sucked balls. People on the bus probably thought I was fucking crazy. I was fetal position, taking up two seats with no shame whilst simultaneously panting.
It was all going fine until I had to chug that strawberita bud light. That really ended badly.
Just woke up and spent the first hour of consciousness throwing up with the Rocky theme song on repeat.
Antibacterial soap and prayers does not for spermicide make
I have been adopted by a clan of drunken skinny dipping tourists.
Randomize
