so my 6 year old came home from school and asked me if he was a bastard cause the kids at school called him one, i told him to call them a clit. those parents will hate me
the orgasm was like being thrown to the other end of reality, so getting a nosebleed from it wasnt too upsetting at that point
Dude, just look at these fucking curtains and chill out.
if you are still a virgin by winter break we are throwing an aztec themed sacrifice the virgin party
I just want to have sex and eat oreos. and then take body shots. like everyday.
Fair enough. Everyone has some guilty pleasures. Yours is yourself
We had hangover sex and then I called a taxi home. Told him I didn't want his number because, if it was meant to be, we would fuck again. He called me the queen of one night stands.
How did you get him out of the shower last time?
Order Taco Bell and leave a trail of burritos leading to his bed.
I think I need to expose myself to your dog so he knows that I am also a male.
She looks like a hot George Washington...I'm going for it
This strange Italian man told me he wants to take me for ice cream and kept calling me "tomato" from tinder
I forgot to lock the bathroom door. He walked in, saw me on the toliet, nodded, and walked back out.
EX BOYFRIEND'S TWINS WERE BORN TODAY. THIS CALLS FOR A MARG.
Why r u in my phone under "the last survivor"?
Turns out the guy I did all that coke with the other night is a cop
We're dating now
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