I admire a woman who can maintain dignity while puking after too much whiskey
I hate when people uglier than me have girlfriends
I don't know. The next thing I remember we were in the walmart parking lot making out.
you two started sword fighting with 3 ft tall spruce trees you pulled out of planters
I had a dream that our used condom started talking to me. I told me that I did an amazing job, and told me that it saved me. From aids.
Mom just Facebook checked into an Applebees at 2am. Caption: ''WITH THE BESTIEZ.''
I called him daddy. To his face. Somewhat sober. What more could I do?
when i first looked at you, you weren't wearing any pants. but then i realized you had them around your neck as a cape.
Human Centipede: The Drinking Game. This is non-negotiable. First one to pass out the rest of us get to FEEEEED THEM!
On a not really funny at all but kinda brighter note I've gotten really good at texting in hand cuffs
I'm taking ecstasy it's gonna be that kind of Vegas trip
It's 4/20 and I spent the morning in the gym and am working later tonight. I don't even have any weed. Why am I adult-ing again?
Nobody likes ball hair. Not even gay dudes
For the record you're a very classy lady and your love for and mastery of strap-ons is amazing. I would gladly marry you and father your offspring
I'm naked, eating straight Nutella, and listening to "Make you feel my love" on repeat. So no. He didn't ask me out.
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