Apparently when he woke up I was tripping my face off. Everytime the cat meowed I would meow back. This went on for several hours.
i wanted to sleep on a waterbed so i filled up my bathtub so i could fall asleep in it...
i made the cop pinkie-promise not to arrest me if i failed the breathalizer.
Why is there a shirtless guy in Walgreens and why is he probably looking for the same thing I am?
i have more money on itunes than i do in my bank account... college.
hey I'm just gonna fall asleep in the bathroom at the library call me when you're done with class
Just threw up in the garbage can outside the liquor store... I'm pretty sure that's some sort of distress signal.
I have three paper towels stuck up my vagina. This is not a time to be calm.
it would be cheaper just to buy a dildo to intimidate people with.
I caught her walking around with a fake mustache, wearing a sombrero and holding an empty carton of milk. She's a hopeless cause.
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
just so you know they found you begging for money at the L station. What the fuck did you drink last night?
I'm really interested in the size of his penis so report back on that one
Our sex from this weekend should be engraved into a plaque or commemorated somehow. It was fucking amazing.
So I was at my annual OBGYN appointment and when she saw the bruises on the inside of my thigh she asked if I had been horse back riding...I think my burst of laughter then awkward silence answered the question for me.
Randomize
