I swear if she hugs me I'm going to bleach my body
Take one last look at my face, because I'm drinking it off tonight.
I'm missing my class because I'm not done with my beer
You know how you thought that you put on a condom last weel?
yea
turns out that you did...and i just found it.
just threw the rents a curveball by making french toast and bacon when i came home sober. good luck tellin when im high/drunk now.
Yes, i finally made it. but let me tell you...i can smell myself right now in class right now, this scent is called alcoholism.
no dude free pina colada`s taste like what I would expect my penis to taste like except gay-er.
Note to self: do not ride giant beanbag chair down stairs.
I found my hair extensions. They were in my hamper.
He probably tastes like german chocolate and coffee beans
Seriously though, my ovaries are trying to crawl out of my body and into his pants.
How do you clean human pee out of a carpet
Inconspicuously
It's best not to have your booty call on social media. So if they post stupid shit, you still want to fuck them.
that guy was staring at your tits.
nah, more like they were staring at him, and his girlfriend, and her less than adequate bosom. they pitied the fool.
point taken, oh mistress of the bosoms.
Do you not realize that being Batman fulfills about 95% of my non-sexual fantasies?
Don't know where this pizza came from but i got breakfast in bed
Randomize
