I bet a guy could be masturbating under the table now and people would just think he was clapping along.
i dedicated my morning wood to you.
"fuck a duck" is spelled out in chinese food on my counter... im kind of nervous to search the rest of my house......
She clogged the toilet and got it out with a seven eleven bag. I tried to tell her no but she was convinced that was the logical thing to do.
worst part about day drinking... waking up to george lopez
She sucked my dick while i watched james bond. And they say marriage sucks
You kept running up to random groups of people and saying "I'm a Dallas Cowboy Cheerleader so we all have to chug our drinks!" and they all listened to you.
He never gives up. He's like the fucking little engine that could of hook ups
I gasped. Both pairs of lips did.
When the strippers start dancing to Christmas songs it's time to get the fuck out!
You're like the fucking Mozart of sexting.
I just sat on the floor of my shower for 20 minutes to punish myself for drunk me's decisions.
The fact that you screamed, "Alf is my spirit animal!" is proof enough that we're too old for peyote.
I'm texting you know although you won't get this until you wake up. the only reason you are strapped to your bed is because you were trying to fly out your window.
Had to trim my nails cus they got too long to effectively finger myself with
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