God I can't wait to have my phone textbombed every night
Something clean will definitely be barfed on tomorrow.
I wish my cat could text because i would tell him that everything will be ok. and i wish he could send them back..but him have no thumbs. him no know what he would text with.
sometimes i shoot so far i amaze even myself.
All I've accomplished this quarter is making Uno an acceptable drinking game.
Honestly, it was easier to just put it in my mouth than to deal with an awkward conversation.
She thinks she's a fairy, dude. A real fucking fairy with wings and shit.
You called me at 2am singing 'happy birthday' while screaming 'I fucking love you' verses, all while eating a burrito and taking a piss off your apartment balcony
Yeah I know, the people below me already told me
I looked up while we were having sex to see him covering my pillow pet's eyes with his free hand. I think I'm in love
Playing nyquil pong with a cat again
You asked the bartender if she was trying to get you drunk. She cut you off after that.
I spilled a whole plate of queso and salsa on my bed so I'm just eating it off my sheets with chips. How's your night going?
I wanna get a tattoo next to my tattoo that says, my ex did this so don't fucking ask
Im covered in coffee vomit and urine and none of which are mine
I am at the car wash dressed as a turn of the century librarian
Randomize
