You would only drink if the space jam soundtrack was playing, you thought it was hilarious that before every shot you said "y'all ready for this".
Of course, I believed he would find me irrestible...sloppy drunk, chugging from a bottle of chardonnay, and completely naked because those kids stole my clothes as I was swimming on their private beach
I was so drunk. I apparently did a flip over the balcony using it as monkey bars. Ya I hurt a bit today
Also, we accidentally donated a bong to goodwill
I'm gonna lurk in the mother fucking bushes and watch karma take him down like a gimpy gazelle.
Me and him were fist fighting in the back of the cab and I offered the driver a 100% tip to call him an asshole. I don't know why.
All I do lately is eat steak, drink warm beer, watch porn, and avoid booty calls when I'm too lazy to take a shower. I think the apocalypse turned me into a dude.
I did the walk of shame this morning and his mom hugged me in the driveway
What was my myspace song when I went away to rehab?
I'm a hopeless romantic with the sex drive of a married politician. IM DOOMED.
I'm not trying to analyze you I'm just saying you are being unfair to soup
Whose panties are you wearing on your head and why are you sending me pics of it?
My saturday night consisted of sewing my Halloween costume and watching Blues Clues
You actually...sewed your costume?
my mom just came into my room and handed me a news paper article about women on the verge of a drinking problem... i can already tell its not about to be sunday funday
The cat likes watching me spank Michael. I don’t know how to feel about this.
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