Passed out watching pirates of caribbean with vodka in hand. Woke up to jenna jameson, with vodka gone.
all we need is a web designer
and a bunch of prostitutes
Ok Hollywood, I get it. Megan Fox is hot. Now she is in a movie where she is so hot that dudes just fucking die. Great.
So I'll spare the details, but I think I discovered I'm lactose intolerant. In my sleep. And you'll be needing new sheets.
fuck you guys, stop putting fake babies in my car the cops came again.
Theres a disney princess moonbounce on karen st. and I'm drinking beer at a little league field. this might end with me in jail.
the last time i saw him was an hour he was floating face down in a pool... but i'm sure he's fine.
I woke up and there is a food processor in my purse. Someone else's framed family photo. My front door is wide open and my gerbil is playing in the water bong.
Yeah I'm going to bathe him.
I got to find out the airplane alcohol limit, and somehow I made it through the flight.
Oh shit. There are penis maracas
I don't have any bail money, if that's where this conversation is going
Holy shit my cat won't leave the lube alone
If you fold the laundry; booze and orgasms on me.
I woke up spooning with two strangers on Saturday morning... I felt like a sexual sandwich
ATTENTION: just found out of have strep. if we have had sex in the past week, might wanna go to the doctor. if you plan to have sex with me in the next 20 days go buy some condoms. stupid antibiotics.
Randomize
