whatcha mean you cant get rid of genital warts? thats not what my girlfriend says
my secret santa just gave me a pregency test
today i did the best job ever shaving. like my vagina is PERFECT. plus i straightened my hair for a good hour. if i don't get ass tonight, i'm killing a baby.
im already regretting the extreme lack of break up sex that took place
I wish I could sell my textbooks directly to my drug dealer and cut out the middle man
please tell me i can get drunk off sparkling grape juice. even if you have to lie, please say yes.
WHAT? When did I ever refer to one of my past hookups as "the rainforest guy"?
Dude this stripper just dry humped the settings off my phone. She earned that dollar
Dude she said she'd let me snort a line off her ass now I just have to wait for them to break up
No teenage boy ever gets scared away from sex unless she is slipping a wedding ring on your finger or is killing your cat. I promise.
The things I do for you. Not that I'm unhappy about it. I'm just saying you should love me.
Did you sleep with him again?
No! I just led him to believe that I would if he gets me booze. Do I have that little class that you have such minimal faith in me?
I don't know man. I fell outside Pizza Hut and an employee had to perform first aid. But I think I got free pizza. So it was worth it.
Went out with the family last night and some 40 yr old lady wanted to take me home. My mom was not happy with me
You know you had a good night when your wearing you best friends pants to work the next day
I woke up thinking it was Friday. I was disappointed (to say the least). I am pretty sure I have gained the quarantine fifteen (but I won’t know until I try to put something other than elastic-waisted shorts on). And I am probably going to need dentures because I am grinding my teeth so much. But hey--this is temporary, right?
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