am i at home because theres a dig starrrrring at me and i dont know wit plus i haer sirens. run fast.
Are they still out there making out on the couch? How can we get them to leave?
I 'm gonna go stand naked in the kitchen with a knife
i should write a book entitled 'the joys of being sexually objectified'
the reason why you were crawling on your hands and knees from room to room last night was because you thought the ceiling fans were chasing you...
that makes sense.
We were hooking up and you crawled into bed with us, because you had lost your phone and didn't "want to be alone at a time like this."
My vagina just recognized that song.
You need to get here now. Before they realize I'm not puerto rican.
I just realized I turned down a booty call too. To make cheesecake. God help us all
This is the only time in your life where finding a half eaten lime and pair of florescent pink underwear that wasn't yours means that it was a good night
next time we make out at a concert please try to refrain from screaming out our hotel room number.. the amount of guys that knocked on our door after you passed out was ridiculous
I haven't been hungover in so long I'm actually looking forward to it
The holidays are too long. I always run out of adderall before I run out of family. you got any left?
i will not be out-irished. not this night. if i don't wake up tomorrow handcuffed to a hospital bed, i have failed my ancestors.
So... How much of our rent is drug money?
I'm making a will, in it I'm leaving you my skull.
Randomize
