I hope you have a really shitty weekend. I love you.
the mole on his forehead could get me off better than his dick
please tell me you have proof of this
Sorry about all the noise last night. We were trying to break bottles by kicking soccer balls at them. If it's any consolation, there's shattered glass and blood all over my kitchen.
She's a freak. I've got the scars to prove it.
I think Memorial Day also marks the beginning of "Bikini Profile Picture" season.
Sadly him cutting me out of the duct tape dress was NOT the most awkward part of the night. It was a littleeee moist under there.....
You know it's been a while when you're having to resort to positive conditioning to get women
There is nothing quite so pathetic as sitting in bed in your underwear eating easy mac in complete silence, waiting for Netflix to load
Curdled. you forgot that word. It was a curdled buttery nipple shot.
Is this the point in which we come to terms with our lesbianism or is that after you send me more ass pics...
Sooooooo this guy just asked me if I'd be interested in a threesome... I'm considering bc I would get to hang out with his dog afterwards.
He was publicly touching my boobs before I even knew he's a famous World Cup skier.... That's how hot he was
Welcome to your 30’s, where every one night stand is most likely with someone’s father
What the fuck were you guys talking about?
Lube wrestling.
Oh, makes sense.
I just washed down my antidepressant with some pineapple wine. I'm the picture of mental health this holiday season
Randomize