mrs. f**** your sons in jail, if you can help with bail please respond, if not please dont tell him i told you.
i swear i just saw perry the platypus. the fuck dude. i shouldnt even know who that is
everyone has their kryptonite. mine just happens to be 18 year old blonde girls.
you were on ground yelling about how close the floor was to your face.
I am sweating out the vodka to make room for the whiskey tonight.
If she asks the cat was vomiting before I fed it fried calamari
Somewhere along the night we ended up at a food lion giving jello shots to high school girls.
I just found a 2 minute video on my phone of you throwing up in a fake plant.
They have a stripper pole on their deck. Normal.
I can't help but feel like we would be friends still if my phone didn't always capitalize BUTTLOAD...
When I woke up my bed had been moved to the middle of my living room, a hippie was spooning me on one side and a pile of cocaine on the other, did I go through a time warp or are we still in 2012?
He rubbed my back afterwards. I forgot how to talk and I legitimately thought I was a cat for a few minutes.
I mean I'm so obviously classy currently laying in bed watching a movie while finishing my drink from last night
My mom said she saw you at the grocery store. Said you looked like you were "headed for a Lindsay Lohan quarter life crisis of sorts"
You fell asleep standing up against the shower wall
Randomize
