The only reason you're wearing underwear tonight is cause you have a family dinner before
If Jimminey Cricket were here with me he would be so disappointed.
His parents had a bottle of captain morgan on the table for me when I went for dinner. I feel accepted
Just saw out breathalyzer tubes from last night on the side of the road. Glad the cop let us know that they are biodegradable
She's pathetic and vulnerable..and short. Thats his type.
I'm not drunk enough to eat silly string
Excellent idea. Nothing says "congrats for resurrecting yourself, Jesus" like Greygoose at noon!
I FINALLY HAVE A REASON TO DYE MY PUBES BLUE!!!
So after tonight I now have 6 Harry Potter movies left to get laid to. Before tonight it was 8. Fucking right
Oh yeah I remember when I first saw Kyler's balls. If there's anything high school swim prepared me for, it's the amount of testicles I would see here
MY INSIDES ARE BASICALLY BEING WRUNG BY A CHAINSAW IM NEVER TAKING PLAN B AGAIN
Why'd you print out every dick pic you've ever received and tape them to the bathroom walls?
Did I tell you that I told him I deleted his dick pics and he almost started crying?
on a campus of 30,000 people, i should not be able to see every single guy I've ever hooked up with at one party.
there must be tiny pirates in the freezer stealing our rum.
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