Apparently Chef Boyardee is the only guy I'm taking home tonight.
I made her dinner: Beefaroni with grated parmesan cheese on top. Luckily she showed up drunk and gave me head, "For spending so much time preparing."
Life after highschool has not been kind to her. She looked fatter than Luke Wilson's face in those AT&T commercials.
just heard some guy walking down the street say "butt sex in the sun"
go get him tiger.
i crunched every chip from the dorito bag and poured it in the vase. never again will i have to deal with cool ranch fingers.
Okay I woke up in my room, snuggie on, had a water bottle in my hand my tv was on Disney channel and my cigarettes are gone. And I deleted every text in my phone but one that said 'you are absolutely welcome'
Last night was the first night with all of the roommates, and what started as a calm night of light drinking got out of hand. There's a girl on my couch wearing only a fanny pack.
Let me shower first- i smell like sex and rock climbing (not so sure how that happened)
I.V.'s should just be available for purchase at Walmart. God I'm dehydrated.
The condom broke. Its OK tho, turns out I was just humping her thigh for 20 minutes. Jager dude, Jager.
He asked me if I wanted to blow his whistle and proceeded to pull out an actual whistle.
Nobody feels the need to text me back. Men. And I sent myself a message saying nakedness. I'm all the man I need.
I pour the whiskey from now on
You're a hot mess, you know that?
At least I'm a FUN hot mess. Like a train crash full of pizza, fireworks and glitter.
my nextdoor neighbor called me saying "um hey, your mom just stumbled into bed with me and my husband, can you please come get her?"
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