Here's a fun fact your kittens ate my vomit last night
It took me 40.8 seconds to take a dump at her house, I know because I timed myself.
The liquor store is having an inventory reduction sale. It would be a sin not to stop and help them out.
And we all know God doesn't like sinners.
Amen.
I'm really not interested in hearing from him. Unless there is casual sex involved
I'm going to need to borrow your helmet cam for my Wednesday night blackouts.
Dude you were sitting on a bench on the street with her for 45 minutes thinking you were on the bus
I threw all my money on the ground and said it was for homeless people and fell down the stairs
New low: falling asleep with my face in the toilet only to be awoken when my hand slid down and touched the water. It's moments like these I wish I could forget.
We're going to catch a squirrel this summer
Been in bed for 16 hours. Haven't eaten in 18 hours. Haven't pissed in almost 20 hours. Fuck you Stacey and your former reign as laziest bitch. I got the title now.
Shitty. Well if it makes you feel any better I just had a toothless wasted crackhead in my bar who was mad because there are TOO MANY FUCKIN TREES in Nantucket.
This heat and humidity do not mix with these braless DDs and a tank top at a BBQ.
He got hit with a horseshoe, set on fire, fell out of a tree, and puked all over the side of his car, all before midnight. Everclear.
Painting strippers breast and vaginas to look like easter eggs. What r u doing tonight.
Howd last night go?
well he stumbled in my parents door drunk and then asked my mom if she was my grandma. Id say as far as first impressions go, he failed miserably
Randomize
