Fun fact: when I ripped off my wristband, I punched myself in the face. Rad
just found a shoebox labled "emergency smoking box"... it has a lightbulb, 2 potatoes, a dried up flower, and a button that says "stop drop and roll". what did we do last night?!
I elbow dropped a bag of ice to break it so we could make margaritas. I bled everywhere. Be proud.
Just managed to stab myself in the ass with a fork. I feel that as my best friend, I'm obligated by friend code to inform you of that sort of thing.
Please acknowledge the sock on the door. If not it will be rammed up your ass.
Come to wine Wednesday bro. We have a fog machine
he drank all my beer while i was at work and passed out on my couch, when i got home he was out cold and my room mates pig was licking him. they seemed peaceful, so i took 20 bucks from his wallet and left again.
I just stood still on a stair at the train station expecting it to go down automatically like an escalator... Today's going to be a good day
Rule #61 of being a lady: never get fingered by a finger with a knuckle tattoo
In going to go underground and live with the mole people for a while.
Eh, I don't question what my penis likes. It just does what it does.
Emojis can't explain what he felt when that ass dropped
THERE ARE SO MANY HOT DADS AT WHOLE FOODS
We talked about breaking up, had sex, and in the middle of said sex, talked more about breaking up- best sad day ever
we finally found him at 2 am. he was 3 miles from the house and tried running into the lake when he saw us pull up. i don't think he'll be taking ecstacy again any time soon.
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