just drove past a church sign that said "jesus got 'er done" ... welcome to the south
When I told my boss I'm using a vacation day for 4/20, he gave me his personal cell phone number and winked at me.
I had a pretty decent weekend -- aside from dropping the baby on her head. That.. That I feel bad about.
oh man. maybe i should puke on his dick? just to test how much he loves me?
We had a 30 min conversation last night about whether or not to bone that girl with a lisp to see if she moans with one...
When this bachelor party is over and your life is in ruins, you have my permission to die.
I think my Halloween costume this year will be made entirely of pillows and I'll be Marshmellow girl or Kirby. That way I'm comfortable, warm, and if I fall over drunk I'm safe.
Yup, two strangers look up at each other and realize the only connection they have is the dead woman they banged to death below them. Magic. They have to be best friends now.
Do you ever look at someone's Snapchat story and think ‘you told me you would eat my ass’?
You have no concept of how high I am, do you?
I've had sex with three people who have this birthday.
Also, what day were you thinkin we should trip balls at the children's museum?
Why did two squirrels just run out from behind the couch?
About that.
I think he is using me to sort through his relationship issues, past and present. I did not sign up for this. All I want is booty. Am I the dude in this relationship?
I met up with trey last night. He whispered in my ear "I love you" then raised his voice and said "but not in a I want to marry you kind of way, but if you died I would cry."
Randomize
