; Think of how many worthless people would b non existant if there was no liquor so their parents never hooked up
I just counted my steps so I know when you start looking for you on my way back from the bathroom
You know how us drunks love counting steps
Sharon took in a random bleeding stranger drunker than her, named her Nicole, and is feeding her jello shots on the toilet
The swelling on my elbow and tongue means I may have cockblocked myself.
You fell asleep with your fingers in my vagina. You made this a relationship.
Dude, for your own safety, do not bring that chick home. I'm pretty sure you're going to find a marsupial pouch smuggling a fresh batch of herpes under that hoodie. Bail bail bail bail bail.
you can hold your grudge or you can accept the alcoholic treats as a peace offering. your choice
peace be with you.
I've officially done it all, fucked a girl wearing a twister board. ABC parties are amazing!
No, they seem attractive after SIX beers, after three they're just the gender you're looking for.
I blame it on the rum. It keeps jumpng doqn my throst.
He rolled up to the party in an ice cream truck. He was definitely my first priority
I changed my birth control schedule so that I'm on my period while you're gone this week
I don't deserve you.
Let me get this straight, you're telling me to lower my standards? Even though last week you told me I don't have any..?
all I've ever wanted was a guy with twelve cats who will tie me up in bed
Don't masturbate while listening to Pandora. Just came during a buffalo wild wings commercial and I feel really weird about it.
Randomize
