Dude that chick had her name tattooed in Japanese characters between her b-cups. I kept calling her Toyota.
I don't wanna do a drive in or see a movie tonight. I wanna play some Golden Tee and butt fuck a girl in the bathroom of some bar and proceed with Golden Tee
we're drinking boxed wine and eating string cheese. It's like a wine tasting for poor people.
i may have reached my "but im high so it's cool" quota for the month.
I can count the number of hours she's been sober this weekend on one hand.
I'll offer my penis as collateral. You can hold title to it till I pay you back.
I just threw up every bad decision and it hurts
Was it you who made out with a toothless guy last night?
Starting St Patrick's Weekend, non stop flights on Pacific Whorelines to the scenic HotMessXpress. Get the cougars ready, it's gonna get weird.
So immediately after we finished having sex she started singing, "The Circle of Life", put her clothes on and then just left. I think I'm in love.
Pro: She likes to masturbate to 50 shades of grey. Con: She reads 50 Shades of grey non-ironically.
I want to get up and tell you that smells delicious but I'm struggling with the idea of pants
This is the beginning of the end. Testicle Tuesdays and free ball Friday are going to scar people for life
Dude that picute of your balls will haunt my nightmares
There's a video of you almost falling asleep in a bar stool listening to Jimmy Buffett. Nekkid.
My mum just told me to stop being so pathetic and just find someone to have sex with, even if I don't like them, just be grateful for the sex. Wow.
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