I'm in the mood to be taken advantage of ;-)
did you violate me with a mr sketch marker when i passed out? i just peed and wiped purple and it smelled like grape. i need to get to the bottom of this...
my mom found all the used condoms in my bed side table
whatd she say to you?
no words- put them all in a circle, put the bible in the middle
God gave him joint rollers for hands
He told everyone he was freezing their keys so they couldn't drive drunk. When I opened the freezer this morning, my keys were at the bottom of an unfrozen ice cream tub of vodka.
We're about to have a bottle rocket fight on jetskis. You have 5 minutes to get on our level.
Was booty called last night and I was so blacked out that my roomie made me puke before going to "eye of the tiger." Why I'm still single is beyond me
am i new drunk or am i still drunk
I've started drunk signing up for 5ks. Who even does that?
Yeah, I'm sure we have time for sex AND ihop.
Any sexual interaction is meaningless without pizza during half time.
I told her we had to stay at the bar until at least midnight because that's when my direct deposit hit, don't tell me i'm not responsible
Dude, they hit that lizard part of my brain that tells me to fuck people.
Preach sister.
Did u guys seriously make a betting pool on when im going to get pregnant???
Yep, wanna bid?
I’m honestly just flattered that you think I could make PornHub’s Top 10.
Randomize
