She was lying in bed moaning while eating a Snickers and masturbating.
after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
I told her the white crusty stuff on my boxers was frosting not cum. She seemed MORE grossed out then
Yea i'm supposed to have jury duty on monday. Hope they don't mind me still being drunk.
Na you can't get charged for public intoxication unless you're outside. I checked.
i googled waterboarding like you asked. as long as you do it outside. we have carpet. but i wont be a part of it.
No, I didn't like him that much. But I took one for the team. And by the team I mean me and my vagina.
I think I used your jacking off shit when I showered. I couldn't see shit, it was all oily. Fuck power outages
It was like an alcohol war zone and you left a soldier behind.
how does 'resolution to respect myself more' follow 'he fucks me really hard'?
Well his ex just grabbed his dick and told him yep Ill call u later
Can I send you a picture of my penis? I feel like it looks really good right now and I need someone to share it with
I've already dropped her on the ground of a crowded bar dancing , been incoherent drunk to the point i couldn't speak and came within 2 seconds all on separate evenings so at this point she should know what I'm about
WHO THE FUCK PEED IN MY BONG
you were just in my dream and you looked at me and said "Christmas is cold." I think you're wasted even in my dreams.
No, he wouldn't have sex with me....but on the brightside I managed to fit the entire falafel sandwhich in my purse!!
Randomize
