I totally just used John Mayer's lyrics to get laid.
You don't even know the meaning of faking an orgasm until you sleep with an uncircumcised ginger.
Her husband keeps getting drunk and making out with me. Good news is I found the strep carrier. Bad news is have strep again.
Her tits were the only thing that upgraded her from "no way in fuck" to "drunken mistake"
and then we had to stop you from trying to pour shots through your nose with the neti pot.
That number that I thought was that dude's number...was actually my district manager's number. Fuckkkk.
Your heart is a swirling cauldron of blackness that does not pump blood but rather a sludgey mixture of evil and broken dreams.
Am I allowed to be in denial about being gay again? Or is that one of those things you can't do?
So why are your hands bright blue and have you seen my roommate.
Both questions will answer each other.
Ain't no cockblock like hearing the word"HOOODOOORR!" shouted from the bedroom floor while in the middle of sex.
I feel like I might be the only person I know who eats bundles of radishes in-between orgasms from their vibrator.
You're the best thing in my life, followed closely by cannabis and trashy romance novels
Sorry for throwing up in your humidifier last night, I thought it was some sort of electrical garbage can
i think i passed out for a few seconds while we were having sex but he didnt notice...
they told me that it was glow in the dark and would make me magical. I was too drunk to say no. I woke up to a purple vagina.
its like a neon Im stupid as fuck sign
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