My dad just yelled at me for going to youth group with out telling him. Apparently going out to fuck a girl without telling him gets me a high 5, going to youth group gets me grounded.
They should make Jack Daniels chap stick
If we break up, I want weekend visitations with your penis.
Dude, she brought over peach cobbler, weed and alcohol plus I'm gonna get laid. She's by far the coolest sister you have.
My mom slipped a condom in my pocket along with a sticky note that said "be safe sweetie."
hes supposed to be my fuck buddy. im not supposed to see him on his knees praying by my bed when i walk into my room.
Just had a shirt made that says "I'm sorry" going to wear it every sat and sun morning for the foreseeable future
It was like in the Christmas carol when the guy pulls his robe back and 2 small children appear... except this time it was a massive scrotum
Panda onesie. Pizza. Netflix. Wrapped up like a burrito. Screw you guys and your cute relationships THIS IS WHAT INFINITE HAPPINESS TASTES LIKE
So do you want to be the old guy picking up a girl in a mini skirt who may be slightly buzzed before noon from college, or shall i walk over?
Yes, bail money means jail. It also means lie to dad, do it now.
That broad from the bar put her name in my phone as "The girl I'm going to marry in 10 years".
I also need to get my life together but instead I just eat spoonfuls of Nutella. We can't win 'em all
Dude come over...were drunk and I'm holding a T-shirt gun and discovered beer cans are the same size as rolled shirts.
the only fun thing to do here is drink beer and make mistakes. i feel like im in college again
Randomize
