I just saw a homeless guy on rollerblades; I don't think I've ever felt sorrier for someone in my life.
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
naw. unless you want me to sit in a corner, not understand english and eat all of your cheese then i don't think it's a good idea.
he was banged his ex for coke the whole time and is still the best guy so far this year. standards need to be raised.
I've already reverted to sweat pants. And lonely drinking.
I am compiling a playlist that reminds me of all my best sexual encounters. It shall be called THE MUSIC OF MY VAGINA'S PEOPLE
Perfect. And my grandma just called me and talked to me for eighteen minutes telling me that she was worried because of my Halloween costume that I'm not a Christian and that I'm not eating. Wtf.
I want a battle ostrich, get me a battle ostrich and then come and make love to me
Bored of what? I stayed up all night researching sex toys because I'm excited to do things with you that I haven't done in 29 years of having a body.
I'm in the kitchen making quiche for my fuck buddy and his wife. I'm probably not the chick to get dating advice from.
He's talking about feelings now. I don't even know if he came???
He is a sex God. It lasted more than an hour, and I don't remember how many times I came. I lost count at 57.
Ughh I think I'll just sit here in the dark and wallow in self-pity while drinking wine and knitting scarves for my future cats.
We ended the night eating peanutbutter with our hands and smoking cigarettes in the house at 4am. Fucking Everclear, man.
I’m gonna stop you right there. The last time you had a “brilliant” idea, I woke up to my kitchen covered in flour and a javelin through my tv.
Randomize
