I wonder if I could sublet my bathtub to anyone.
I'm honestly too sad to drink and hang out with strippers. This breakup sucks.
Sorry if I put you in that 'glad we're hanging out but I'm gonna go fuck your cousin' kind of position
Swallowing. Like you said. Lions. Always.
Currently microwaving whipped cream to make white Russians and hotboxing the kitchen while this random kid is dancing in the corner.
He kept pouting and saying i cockblocked him and I kept yelling "I'm sorry...but the cock was never out to be blocked"
I tripped over a vacuum cleaner and fell into a beer pyramid
I'm drinking wine from the cap of my laundry detergent container, wearing my bed sheet as a cape. How do you think I'm taking it?
I'm pretty sure my intestines are bleeding but I'm still going to Orlando to catch that orgasm.
new dating motto: let your guard down, not your panties
There was a deer right in front of me when I came. Sex in the forest is awesome
I have a tab of a google image search of onion rings open and it is making me so happy.
When is the right time to ask your new roommate for her school schedule so she doesn't walk in on you fucking some rando in the kitchen in the middle of the afternoon?
Sometimes you have good days, sometimes m you delete 360 screenshots off your camera roll.
If he’s halfway attractive, employed and cool with me having boytoys, I’ll marry him
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