So bad news they put a private property sign on the tiger.
Until they install cameras or armed security i'll ride the fuck out of that jungle cat.
He offered to take me out to a nice dinner but I told him I would rather he just pay for my beer this weekend
Booyah. Found 8000 pesos in my closet and that's apparently 608 US dollars
Just found my mom passed out in my bed holding a bag of wine. Not sure if I'm ashamed or proud.
The straight man in me wants to hit on her. But the gay man in me wants to compliment her on her awesome outfit.
Dude she has the ugliest blow job face ever.
I'll see your cousin, and raise you a sister.
We spilled a whole bottle of mouth wash and then proceeded to roll around and make out in it. At least I smell minty fresh.
We told her to calm down. She said "I'm Buddha!". Then army crawled to the cooler for more vodka.
Good news. That bum you thought that died is alive.
So I was putting on a condom and looked to my right to not make eye contact, she said did you just look at the American flag while putting that on. I said this one's for Team USA.
I realize that my conversation topics seem to only be about bees and my cross dressing fiance. Thank you for being my friend.
i guess "never drinking again" is not an option when you invent a whole new level of drunk...
no dude he sent me cemetery flowers, i know it. they are half dried out roses in the shape of a cross, seriously. and he is not religious. so he robbed a freaking grave site for me. am i like an accessory to grave robbing now??
damnit this is what you get for dating guys with neck tattoos
Thanks for supporting me through Robs retirement. I'm still in shock, but your dick helped.
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