i hope my daughter doesn't end up with cankles. no guy likes cankles.
When he came he kept saying "oh god oh god" and he sounded just like his dad. awkward...
riding the spinning bikes at the rec after Valentines Day was a baaddddd idea
That was the first time I have seen a confused expression with a dick in the mouth
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I'm trying to ve beat feiesnd sent.
The party got hot, we all started raging, took off some clothes, someone threw me in the shower and we all kept raging. Nude Rager, I was there at the point of conception.
I kinda wanna Instagram the giant vag stain on my sheets. That is something to be proud of. It's a Christmas miracle.
"Little drunk?" Honey you were "livetweeting" Sublime's "Sublime" album while it was playing in his car, and at one point you said you hoped they play Santeria. "Little drunk" doesn't cover it.
I just explained my sex life to the "if you give a moose a muffin" book... Is that weird?
Also I ordered a dildo and I'm not sure if I want it still, so there might be a free dildo in your future
Nice. I got home at like 3am.stopped at Walmart for a vacuum and weirdly a trash can. Not sure why high me last night needed a new trashcan.
How I know I've been single too long: I'm reveling in finding out my taken friends are being tragically dumped
he said he couldn't believe he just lost his virginity and passed out. what have i done
I'm about to take plan-b with a glass of wine and ramen noodles. I cannot decide who will hurt more...my vagina, my kidneys or my pride.
Randomize
