yeah i like to chase my xanax with prozac and then viagra. you're up...and then you're UP
Sundresses, hats, and big glasses. That is the greatest trick the devil ever taught women.
She was surprised when she saw all our living room furniture was made from old kegs. It's like she's never met us before...
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
She went home with him because he works at Jimmy John's and his car "smelled like meat"
I only feel half bad for cheating on him because while we were fucking I was given great relationship advice and now I'm ready to work some things out.
I could not actually bring myself to utter the phrase "donkey cock" in front of my father. Not possible.
I'll pick you up. Avoid slightly awkward no-we're-not-dating-but-I'm-still-screwing-your-son-after-2-years parental run-ins.
This girl just said she was late for class because she was having sex.
Me and some girl at the bar just high fived for not wearing bras
Definitely just threw up in a mcds cup going through Wendy's drive thru. I'm way to hungover to go to work today
If it involves notarization or the Misfits, I am up to date. Anything else, I know fuck-all.
I think I'm gunna glue a sign to my head that says "WAKE ME UP BEFORE 7!" And go to sleep and hope a kind passer by wakes me up for my exam .
Watch out for the bush at the end of your steps. it comes out of nowhere
MASS TEXT: Next weekend I will be in town for St. Patty's day. There will be a bonfire and liqour olympics. We will have booze but in order to participate it is byob. Upon arrival everyone will be asked to sign a waiver. I am not responsible for liver failure, death, loss of clothing or memory, bites, scratches, hickies, pregnancies, or any other for of injury you may obtain while participating. There will be ridiculous amounts of green glitter, be prepared to puke it up. ALSO WEAR SOMETHING GREEN OR YOU WILL BE PENALIZED!! AUTOMATIC 5 SHOTS. HAPPY GAMING!!!
Randomize
