Riddle me this. What had unbelievable sex, and finally understands the meaning that things come better in pairs?
I hate you
I just had a dude tell me how he got fired from friendly's for tripping a kid and followed the story with "If i'm gonna do it, I do it big."
dont get me wrong, i like when a guy is into my boobs but when he started saying mama i want milk let me suck, i gathered my shit together and bounced.
looking back, maybe 11 flaming dr peppers was a little extreme
I ended up taking shots of whiskey and chasing them with potato wedges, I have never felt more Irish
Do you know how difficult it is to give head to someone who's imitating Forrest Gump?
I just had a threesome in the back of my mom's van. I'm pretty sure the rest of my week is going to be epic.
What goes on in that head of yours?
Gay sex, for the most part. Why?
Where did you go?
I'm not really sure. They have flavored vodka. I like it and I'm never leaving. Ever.
I won the 'drunkest person at a family event' award tonight.
I can hear the pillow talk now, "how many condoms did you bring? Good, put them all on,"
I just need a big sign that says no more penis please hanging over my head at all times
I'm on my third roll of toilet paper. Today can fuck right off.
What is it in my brain that makes me look at a penis and think "that belongs in my mouth"?
I probably should have told her I was actually the drunkest one there before she let me pierce her ear
Randomize
