Call me back. I want to hear your side of the dead cat in my garage story.
70 feet underwater and I sharted my wetsuit, Tide pen won't clean this up.
Oh, I made pasta salad in the throw up bowl. I hope you don't need that for the next few days.
it was like that last scene in "It's A Wonderful Life" but with alcohol
Do any of you want to be on a three way call with me while this girl masturbates in 10 min? You can't talk
My life now consists of 2 time frames. BV before vibrator and AD after death of my sex life.
You told her to step on the scale because you had whiskey goggles, and scales don't lie.
She has an inverted nipple. She told to play with the normal one until the other one pops up.
Dear god how many nuts did u bust in me my vagina feels like a bowl of jello.
You kept saying you we're gonna puke and wanted to steal my pants
That does not explain the remnants of a small fire in my bathtub.
I'm just crazy horny about you
So im waiting for someone at grand central and i look up AND THE ENTIRE BALCONY IS FILLED WITH BOY SCOUTS I AM TERRIFIED
So high that I just walked into class, late, sat down in my desk, and tried to buckle my seatbelt.
Please wake up and help me figure out how I woke up on the floor with my head under the couch
I’m good. I learned that a guy ate the mushrooms that were growing out of his toilet, so there’s that.
Randomize
