I havent jerked off in so long, my dick literally prevented me from rolling over in my sleep this morning. new definition of painful?
Yelling drunk tank or bust at a cop, not a good idea
How can he have such a manly penis and baby hands?!
I think rendering her infertile would be a valid community service project
You know that joke about taking tylenol pm and jerking off? you don't always win. sometimes you wake up in the morning naked lubed up cock in hand to the realator and would be perspective buyers laughing at you
I may have just flashed my roommate as he walked in while my towel was falling. Now he knows what an American sized penis looks like I suppose
I can motorboat myself in this new push-up bra. I need to go out tonight.
Based off of the soaking wet clothes/towels/rugs, Eiffel Tower statue and monkey in the bathtub, I'm going to assume drunk me took a bath.
Are you really alive right now?
I found his Linkedin the day after he created it. Too stalkerish or just right?
Chipotle just hit me... I want to go sit in the corner of the shower and cry until morning.
Nah I've been there. The worst you'll see is some hobo peeing in a sewer at 3 am on a Saturday
We thought it was a good idea to send a picture to our HS science teacher where she's smoking a joint and I'm holding a monkey, and he invited us to lunch. NEW LEVEL UNLOCKED.
I can't. I'm not drunk enough for this information.
I just woke up to myself peeing the bed. Happy hump day! I'll never get married.
I can't tell if you're talking about my pussy or Cape Cod.
look im sitting on my bathroom floor in my underwear snorting cocaine can we talk about this later
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