I thought at least he would want to exchange numbers after he tried to put it in my bum
I typed "housewife" into monster.com's search engine....I got zero results...kinda bummed
When I got to his place, he served wine and cheese and made me sit on the balcony while he read his poetry to me. He cockblocked himself.
So they're giving me a CT scan because I probably have a hernia. From getting a BJ from you. Really. This may be a pivotal moment in my decision to write a book about my life
Drunk versus high capture the flag: what team is everybody gonna be on?
Just saw a homeless man taking a shower in someone's sprinkler system....
she asked to have her picture taken with every guy we walked by.
My horoscope told me I'm getting laid tonight. Please don't make the stars be liars
Me focusing on not shitting my pants is keeping me awake.
Was just walking through the park by the river. Saw some random in a tree, we climbed up, blazed with him and bought a bag. In the tree. Real shit.
Would be fun, plus since its in public I'll keep my penis in my pants
What happened to the good old days when we whispered the words beer pong and people came running?
And now I have fucked a local celebrity so double free drinks at bars.
I just woke up under my desk. Not to worry though, no one is in the office yet
Well that's my green light to bang ur brother. Its not real til its on fb
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