a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
if i can run in heels then i can drive
i just realized that no matter how many potstickers i eat, i will never be asian
I understand why you refuse to be sober now
Is there a nice way to say "I like you, but I hate your dick?"
I made the bartender pinky promise me there was still vodka in my drinks.
Almost just got kicked out of a bar because the locals spilled beer everywhere when we taught them to shotgun.
You ruined me. I can't stop referring to everything outside as the "no-walls" ever since you showed me that video while I was tripping balls. My speech may be permanently altered for the rest of earth spins
Some guy Just sang about my ass on the street
It was terrible lyrics but I would have thrown my life savings into that guitar case if I had any.
Now that I'm sober, I'm realizing you put your name in my phone as "wowww"
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I just want a simple guy who likes cats, tattoos, and doing coke off my tits.
My liver is screaming fuck you right now.
woke up this morning to a baggy full of adderall and two redbulls..i'm gonna marry this guy one day
So today the police came to my dorm to look for weed, i didn't have any in the room, so i let them in. they apologized for any inconvenience and then left after finding nothing. then i realized i was wearing gauges with weed leaves on them lol
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