I'm surprised I didn't puke tonight
I had so many friends before that round of Never Have I Ever.
Ways to know you did something wrong: you sugar-coated it for your therapist.
im so drunk with asians
where?
always
Still waiting. He said he'd call between 2 and 10... apparently he's like the Comcast of drug dealers.
How do you say "I always respond to booty calls" when you give a guy your number?
Im sitting on the exxon bathroom floor, idk if its healthy but it sure is cold
The cabbie told me fat girls shouldn't wear tight clothes, and that he feels bad for the guys that have to be underneath them, especially because their positions are "very limited" and proceeded to ask me if I had a trash can and if I could throw something away for him. Don't worry though, he promised it wasn't anything "bad". He then handed me a tied up grocery bag with a bunch of wadded up Kleenex that weighed about 3 pounds. To answer your question, yes I made it home. Fml
Showering in not my own throw up is really hittin the spot right now.
If someone made a breakfast cereal that was a cross between lucky charms and fruity pebbles and called it unicorn power with a huge fucking rainbow and a unicorn standing in a pot of gold on the box, they would be rich. Not only monetarily but spiritually as well...
I can get there in 20, one question, Drress Code? Stripper Lite (make up may require an additional 5-10 minutes), Suggestive Professor (professor Kamil's cleavage ain't got nothing on me), Daywear, Dyke (and trust me you ain't seen dyke), or Exactly What I'm Wearing Right Now. (all of the above may arrive under a coat and are subject to my level of sobriety. Which is currently like nonexistent).--xoxo you know you love me, Gossip Girl.
I just asked him what would happen if my boobs fought crime. I think I'm cut off.
"I'm a professor to university students" I say as I realize I have a nipple piercing that I have no memory of getting
Your bf is wearing nothing but a cape, I mean absolutely NOTHING but a cape. I know you said he looks like Thor but this is getting a bit ridiculous.
I am eating a fluff-a-nutter sandwich at the gym right now. I brought vodka too.
Randomize
