I'm watching tv and he's trying to stick a vibrator in my ass
Why do my orgasm prompt her to begin using babytalk EVERYTIME?!
I'm going to show my kids 2 girls 1 cup just to scare them away from porn
He;s fine. He just kept saying "hurricane Gordon is coming to shore" and flexed his muscles a lot.
these marshmallows taste like mayonnaise. like playing tetris on a gameboy, that's what these marshmallows mean.
I just found like 5 packs of sparklers. If someone doesn't get set on fire tonight I am retiring from party hosting.
NOTHING IN THE WORLD IS GOOD SOFT
NOT ICECREAM NOT DICKS
NOTHING
I'm sun burnt so instead of getting drunk and trying to sleep with you, how about we get naked and you scratch my body and rub lotion on me while I rub one out?
As much as I trust your struggle imma deal with being Eskimo brothers with my own sister before I get to that
last night you told me I had a dark, salty butthole
Great litmus test for what a useless adult you are: amount of shame you feel while eating a coffee cup of Fruity Pebbles
You invited these random guys into your apartment that you met in the hallway...& then you started screaming at them to get out cause you didn't know who they were.
There is an episode of "how it's made" on tv right now. The subject is tequila and water beds. Basically my life.
I’m lazy so obviously looking like a rotisserie chicken is my favourite position
He's the first boyfriend I wouldn't cheat on. This is a really big deal for me
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